… not so sure anymore …
So I am kind of in this weird moment, and there is almost too much going on in my head to even write/type down. It’s been so long I don’t know where to begin really. Usually I would have the common posts planned out in my mind: either vibes explaining my inspirations at the moment, my art/photography, what’s been happening in my life etc and then more structured, critical posts describing style or reviewing something or talking about cool new things you should know about. I don’t really know which category this falls under. I hate categories anyway, because right now everything I do or say seems to be a bundle of contradictions:
I am panicking about how much stuff I have to catch up on, write and blog about, because I am still trying to grasp onto the fading memory of all the important things I needed to say- and lost, through (the movement of all my junk onto this computer, my phone breaking and all the lists on there being wiped, and just) the general mindless procrastination that has taken over me and slowly starved my brain of any productivity. On the other hand I am completely calm, (perhaps only because until now, I have avoided the confrontation of having to see unfinished blog posts and writings and not being able to remember or continue with my obsession to record everything, or maybe simply-) trying to forget about that long barren period of laziness and trying to quickly move on and start blogging regularly again. I don’t really know what I’m even talking about to be honest, but I guess lately, I’m not quite sure when from, (whether it started when I took a long holiday break at christmas, or got real busy in january, or got sad and confused in february, or got lonley in march, or got lazy in may, or got uninspired in april) my blogging has slowly depleted down and down and down, from the posts widening apart and me claiming ‘I’M BUSY I’M BUSY’ to merely a single ‘vibes’ post every month or two. Am I losing interest? Am I just tired of it? Or am I just lazy? I don’t even know, but I have been putting it all off for ages now and I sorta want more sense of direction? You see through blogging and perhaps even the internet I have developed this growing obsession with noting everything down, things fitting together nicely, things being equal, it all being perfect. As I explained in my latest post I kept starting things and then thinking: that would do nicely in that post or that would go well with that and then being held back by my inability to put it all together quick enough. So I think I will make an effort to seperate up posts and stop bunching it all together.
Anyway, I don’t really know what kind of blog post this one is going to be but now that we know how silly I’ve been, lets have a look back and piece it all together. So at Christmas I went to Australia and I basically told you all about that. In January, I was super busy coming back to school, and at the end of the month I found out that a member of my family had died. It was all very thoughtful and blurry and I spent most of the end of the first half term of the new year crying and writing alot. Then there was February was half term and I literally didn’t do anything except the ST Style took me to loads of shows at fashion week, I talked about how weird it was and I didn’t really post much about it because I was so exhausted from it all. After half term I spent most of my time being fustrated about the fact that I couldn’t get anything together, I spent too much time on the computer, got little done and I wasn’t really in a very secure place friend-wise at school. The 1st of March, I remember the exact date because it was Justin Bieber’s birthday (I don’t even like him but Theo insisted) so I had a group of friends over and we just completely bonded over a set of afew secrets. To this day they are probably my closest friends. I think I remember March being an iffy -but better month, and things got better with steady ups and downs and a mix of pretty easy schoolwork, amusing school powercuts, lunch times spent running away onto the feilds telling secrets (virgin suicides style obvi) and cute bitchiness. I guess I was just kinda busy working stuff out. April was Easter (as explained in this post) and I didn’t write a diary entry at all until the last day of the holidays when I did an overview of everything I did. Even though literally loads of stuff life-wise has happened, since 16th April (the last day of Easter holidays), I haven’t written a single diary entry. I guess we suddenly started getting loads of work and all the stress of it was so overwhelming that I kind of tried to just avoid it and spent loads of time on the internet wasting time, (quite like described in this post) and therefore I just got really busy with everything, and I guess I just haven’t really been bothered to write it down in a way, which is sad because these last few weeks have been intruiging and wonderful and weird and awesome and so much has happened (more vibez on that later…)
Then there was half term in which I revised (????) – (I’ll talk more about my adventures in half term later) and then exams and now I am in that awkward moment between school and summer where you only have like HALF of A HALF TERM left and you don’t wanna do any work because you only have one week of school left and then it’s activities week and you’re like WHY AM I STILL HERE???!??!?! Anyway, right now I am just tryna catch up on blogging, plan stuff and relax etc so stay tooned
I am sort of blabbing on and making this really depressing, but I guess I’m just trying to say sorry (in a kind of poetic way?) for like being such a shitty blogger lately and just yeah, like imma be better at being immediate and keeping everything cool so yeah wheeeeeeeee